It was a harrowing night. I was caught completely unawares, and never again want to be in that position again.
That could easily have been the end, and it could have easily been an escape too. Save for always putting things off, I could have saved myself.
No one came, no one is coming.
Why could’ve? That I already know very well.
I’m going to draw a better picture.
Have you read that story about the two wolves that going into separate rooms which both have mirrors. One wolf comes out happy, focused and content with the content of the den. The other wolf comes out snarling and angry. Easy enough to understand. What of the pup born of these two wolves?
The serious danger of knowing you can recover from anything, of knowing you’ll never stop going forward and doing all you can is that you will still manage to slow yourself down. Some times to a standstill so that you fall over for non movement and then have to crawl out of it and into a gallop.
Perhaps what I had better done is to walk. Get my balance and walk faster as I do. I am finding more and more that it is the little things that build a brick. It is the brick that raises walls.
I am going to hold up the sky.
I was asked this provoking question yesterday. It was in reference to this specific month yet it applies to everything, as do all things to all life. What interested me about it is that it is quite apart from what are your goals for this month. Somehow thinking about it as an intention seems more tangible and not nearly as much as a half committal as I might have imagined it to be.
Eventually, thoughts becomes words, words become actions, actio… You get the point. Where better to start than with your intentions, then?
- I want and intend on more solitude with myself.
- I want and intend on explaining myself less.
- I want and intend to say “no” more.
- I want and intend to betray my friends more so I can be true to myself.
- I want and intend to be at peace.
- I intend to be proud of myself.
There are some of them. They say writing things down makes them more real, and I am settled that it does not matter if it is in ink or megabytes.
How strange that a single writ should have a repetition of titles? Actually, not strange at all.
I am here, at the beginning, again, a new beginning in something old. I have succeeded on the initial endevour in some part, and failed at other times. That is not the reason for starting afresh.
I must renew my resolve because, like that old adage by dear old colonialist, motivation is like a shower. And yet I am challenging myself to more this time around because I want it to be innate and somewhat unprompted so as to achieve full autonomy.
I want to go far and wide, to walk with God and drink deeply from the cup of life so that I can quench my existence, that I may satisfy my purpose without ending up bloated in the belly from excess. I’ve gotta pee.
Whew, how can write so lucidly in that weird voice which sometimes rings in my head? Hahaha. It’s incredible, but true still. So there, take that other worldly paragraph and mean it.
Today has been interesting, between juggling occupation and sharing revelations already known with a friend of a friend. I needs see the light and keep some for myself. Now, it is time to go home, to spare my energy and talk with my soul, to smile when I am happy and not when I am uncomfortable.
It’s time to be myself again, in another way.
I love you T.
I nearly began this by typing “we” as the first word. Have I truly shrivelled out of myself, and away into the world with its comfort of others, the safety of a group? The mundane and routine exercise of the clique. Have I taken to heart the phrasing of the letters I write every day? Have I turned that sweet solitude from solace to foe?
It is extremely disconcerting to have to make certain decisions about the future. I am finding myself torn between me and several people. But what is the use of it if skin cannot be shed to reveal what is beneath the surface? Why should I live a life which displeases my sensibilities and does not expand the my talent and ware it out for use?
I owe many people many things, perhaps. I owe myself more than that, and I owe myself myself which is much more than even that.
I shall not cower from difficult decisions, and I shall not cower in front of opinions.
I am I.
Look here, there is no more time to make time. You’ve been very blessed and lucky but chim-chimeny because your luck is running out. You are big now. You know what you are. You’ve always been big. You know who you are.
All which has happened, you have done to yourself. All that is to come, you shall do for yourself. Where, then, is your salvation? Who do you think shall ride up to your bed and rip from you those added things which you needed to grow? Those things that are no longer necessary and weigh heavy on you and everything you do, who is going to take them from you? Oh, my dear boy, did you think I was coming to save you?
Look here, you are the one that did all this. Yes ofcourse you had help along the way but this is mostly all you. No one is coming to fix you. No one is coming to save you. You won’t be fascinating in this way forever.
For the sake of all the fucks save yourself, beloved.
And right there at the peak of the dawn, he saw love in the valley of a mountain he had greedily scale, with a ferocious aggression to reach the peak.
Sweat had by then begun to run down the sides of his cheeks for the sake of his having stood staring at the oasis below for so long. How long had it been? How long could it be still? Were his feet aching and begging for tenderness because he reached the top or because he was standing there? With who’s eyes was he staring at the valley? Who?
I realize now, or decide rather that one can walk and talk at the same time, and therefore can record and reflect in an on going process. There is no need for the pool to become stagnant for one to gaze into it.
Anyway, friend, I have found a new friend. Or perhaps not so much found as made them from knowing them before. Also, I am extremely sleepy at work now but at least not hungover.