Day 1 – Influence

Turns out the “time and date” option on the publish tab isn’t to set absurd website-default timezone’s to one’s own. Well,  that’s that.

This was one of the worst weeks/end of my life. That’s saying a lot. I’ve done some fucked up shit in my time. Yet it’s because I went too out of my way social i.e I didn’t sleep with anyone’s personal or break bank. Okay, I did spend too much but that’s not the point. I played myself. The entire week was a physical manifestation of everything I’d promise never to do. I failed myself because I let fear creep in, trusted strangers way too soon and worst of all, I let my parents down. Not that it’s the first or second but definitely felt worse because of the accumulation. And I get the sense that everyone is finally giving up on trying.

But… I’m sure I didn’t betray myself too much while I was drunk. My self image and integrity are still somewhat intact. Not yet so damaged.

To move forward, serious questions must be asked.How did I go from being an upstanding, serious and motivated person who drank moderately and spent frugally to this reckless,wreckless self destructive seeker of good times and exerter of minimum effort? The voyager which began in 13/14 began as deliberate as a post-card sunrise. Some where along that road to find carefreeness, carelessness slid into the boot and sneaked her way into the back seat. From there she tried to cajol me into doing the never things.

Still, one had the self direction and determination to resist. Until somehow I looked around and validation wasn’t inside anymore but seated in the passenger seat. A shot gun driver, if you will.

All I know is that I broke it, I can fix it. With God. Although diamonds don’t break, only get scratched a bit or crack. Whatever.

If this doesn’t work I’ll have to see a professional. Which, although I’ll deny it on everything, I don’t want to do because it may mean I’ve broken myself so much that even I can’t fix me. Never mind, God has always been here so I’m not shy of Him.

Here is day 1 of breaking this terrible habit of not being my observant, fear-inspiring, panic-inducing self. Here’s to not feeling responsible for the comfort of random others anymore. Here’s to not begging for companionship.

Here’s to the me I’ll always be.

 

 

 

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