I thought for a long time before I started this writing blog thing. Sometimes, it was the idea of having an aid to make it through this part of my journey. Other times I thought I wanted to be heard and no one in life time is listening. That last one scared me badly because its outside of me to seek an audience, or validation, or to be afraid that no one is there/ that they’ll leave. Now, when I logged on and saw something on “how to improve your performance stats” I realised it isn’t even that.
I want to speak. To speak out loud (lol) even if no one is listening. There’s a quote about oysters opening to the moonlight and how that leaves them at the mercy of crabs with bad intentions and sticks for measure. I also realise now that there’s great positionality in how conversations are directed, especially with how perception is built off of that. That’s why I’ve been feeling like shit for going out drinking, and meeting so many new people etc. I like being in control. I love it. So much so that I took many moons ago a journey to let go of that excessive control, so that I could learn and grow and make myself. Without pause for concern of all the Is.
My power is silence. The strength of a non-answer. The force of delayed response. The intuitive negotiation and domination of environments.
Writing this is wonderful not for the possibility that someone might read it but because I wrote it. And writing it reminds me of myself. It is magic.
My silence is power.