The up and down mood swings. The blind optimism. The heightened hope. Enveloping excitement at the beginning of a night. Slick dancing. Faster talking. All the genius and innovation you needed. The crash. The melancholy. The joylessness. Disappointment in the self. Self judgment. Self punishment. The first smile since the weekend. The first hum at an ungodly hour. Comedy shows on YouTube. Many buzzfeed videos. A little nostalgia for who you used to be. Casual forgetfulness of what had gone wrong in the first place. Self forgiveness. Hopefulness. Blind optimism. Enveloping excitement at the beginning of a night…
I am an alcoholic. There it is. It is true. I am out of control. When did I start to disregard myself? To not care what I think of myself. To hurt my loved ones. Over and over and over. I wonder what they must even think of me.
Not sure whether I’ll be back tomorrow, maybe I am too stubborn to let this process help me and fix me. Anyway, it can only be so long until I get myself killed finally. Something has got to give.
I did this. But it is clear that I can’t fix it. Help me oh God, help me! Oshagwana.