I didn’t write yesterday. It’s not that I didn’t have time, cause I did. I was simply preoccupied with other things, like watching and reading up all those bookmarks I had postponed, some TLC and some doing-nothing-of-note-and-enjoying-it.
I would have enjoyed reflecting on the day, though, because it was quite a day. I had a good time at work, after work and when I got home.
But now I write for today, and the excerpt I did two nights ago on perception.
It’s true I have shifted from not caring actively about the opinions others to almost adopting it as instinct. What happened?
Well, first things first was the active decision to become more social which, by extension, meant having to be more likable. To do this I had to start giving a fuck about what they think of me and how they see me. Which itself led to an anxiety way different from the one I had before. In lower school I someone who had extreme experiences of people in that some were genuinely friendly, even bordering on kind, while others were mean to me. The friendly ones I socialized with from an aloof standpoint and the others I willfully ignored, with my only thoughts of them being in preparation of retorts for their malice.
In short, that anxiety was one based on the distrust of people liking me, and the expectation that no one would have my best interests at heart. It led to me as a quiet person becoming even more quiet, and saying very few words, because I understood then the power of silence especially in adding value to speech. Through the end of lower school and moving into early high school that’s always what it was. Even the first few of University were all minimal interaction and commitments to anything or anyone other than me. It worked like a charm.
It still shall. Yet this new anxiety, and I use the word overall in the general not clinical sens, demands that I shift and slide, and twist and contort myself into shapes which fit the puzzles of others. Which is exactly the issue I am dealing with; the back and forth tide between the two.
It has lead to even a loss of the control I so fully had over when to laugh and when it keep a straight face. When to let natural emotion, proving innocence, play out and when to invent feelings.
I speak of this today particularly because the puppy had a hectic day at the office. I swear, it was incredibly difficult to maintain my cool composure after an incident which indicated that my fidelity may have been put under scrutiny because of the events of the day. I can feel distrust brewing and I know well, very well that for it to blossom there must be some participation from my self which is the creature fear seeing as my emotion check is only now building up again, and what not.
Still learned more than that today however. The major key is to not allow anyone to belittle you, or make you feel your indebtedness to them means that you must become a lessor in any such relationship. You must resist and refuse that. No way.
Respect me, and I shall respect you too, as I respect myself.