Day 3.1: Nine Frenzied Days

It is easy to talk about time it is easy to make time it is something that never happens. 

I am tired of being tired, hey. Everything is sluggish at this point, and what should be done to catch it up? What.

Well, the passed 9 days have been progressive but frenzied. There is much left to do within the context of this project and energy management is going to have to take the fore. hahaha that was very pseudo revolutionary hahahaha.

I regret only that I wasted a good opportunity for refreshment by allowing myself to become responsible for another. Tragic.

And on the other front, I am not sure the cool of the tree’s shade is cold enough for both of us. Who knows 

For now, I do what I do. What if I actually did it? What if I’d jump?

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Day 3: …

Now, yesterday was quite a strange one. How do you avoid those awkward instances when all the attention is on you but no one wants you to know it is? The way people approach you is heavily dependent on how you allow them to interact with them.

The problem with Day 3, and the other days in their ways, is that the ordinary self awareness is lacking. It is dangerous to assume it is still functional and automatic without examining it over and over and over. Nonsense, really.

It is the same with a well written song. Each time you listen to it you find something new. Over and over and over. And so it is with Human Beings.

Day 2: Transmission Reinstated

Yesterday was remarkably unremarkable. Read myself into an early sleep only to be jolted out of it by a wanted unwanted call.

Continued Next Day

Ja, Thursday wasn’t much to write about.

I did find a friend though. You remember that juvenile, unruly excitement of sharing secrets and conversations with your high school pal? Yeah, that type.

Day 1.2: Let Us Proceed As If Nothing Has Happened.

Clear.

This one is quite unusual because it is closer to the beginning than the end. In the spectrum of time. HAHAHAHAHA. That whole sentence just to say it’s morning time.

Well. Weeellllllll. hahahahaha. No comment. Cya!

Last night was great. I stuck to the plan. A big part of it was not being interested in mini festivities at all, to be honest. As oppose to wanting to be in the thick of it and not staying for the sake of it. A step is a step, jong!

What I took from it is that time is really a lot, hey. It really is. It is never flying, it is never going to fast but it is many a time poor used. Sort of like having two hundred bucks of airtime on your phone which seemingly disappears suddenly when really you just didn’t buy bundles.

It was very, very refreshing. To clean the room which I said I would eons ago but in which I continued to live with all of its nonsense. Blurifool.

Also, I take as much as you keep giving. Know that.

Except for people who are important for me. Whoa. That is very … very … there isn’t a word yet but I’ll make it up now now. It is not humanist, it is known.

****

Continue Transmission

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I never finished hahaha. See you later.

Day 1.1: And so It Begins

The other day was the so-called day 1. So much for that and how it went.

I am not going to stop having day ones until day two is reached. That’s simply because I refuse to give up on myself, how far I have come and gone but more importantly how much I’ve put my people through, how much they’ve let me put them through, how much they chosen to go through and how much they are still willing to continue with. For me.

Now, what was that poem about the wilderness and the dark, again? Like, how to burn it all to the ground and come out smoking for the better. Whats’s Gucci, Valeryia.

I have really gone beyond all imagination. The old consolations no longer hold or soothe. It is I, and I to the exclusion of others that is responsible and reckless. Wow.

While it may seem futile, in any case, it is always important to apologize even if one suspects one’s behaviour shan’t change. It is a recognition of the humanity of the others one has yet.

How is it then best to show love, as opposed to the windowless “recognition” above? Well, my dear boy, action is telling. Consideration. Commitment. If not for yourself, then for love.

Sigh. It is more and more meaningless, a fading ray of sun to hope on those terms. What started true and strong becomes of jest in the light of experience and new reality. It seems a farce.

New realities become old histories, though.

It is clear that the old course has failed. Severally. In multiples. Again and again. Increasingly severely. Whether by faulty design or non-committed implementation one does not have the means now to address.

It must then be resolved by throwing everything to the wall and to keep throwing until the desired results are achieved.

Now it won’t just be for me. But for them, as well.

And so it begins.

P.S. You are on your own.

Day 1: One More Drink

I was asked a very important question several times across the passed few days; “why can’t you just do it like everyone else?”

You already know the reaction, however unexpressed it was. “Because I am different. Because I live in extremes.” Blah blah blah.

The truth of it is I have lost all discipline and any regard for that tool of satisfaction. I have ever maintained that it is only important to never break one’s own rules, no matter the consequences of spitting in Caesar’s face. And here I am, a derelict park of its own consumption which does not even follow it’s own rules.

I no longer have rules. I go as the crows fly towards my destiny but any time I spot I nice, sprouting strip of larvae dangling from the end of a branch I swoop down without pause to check if I am unsustained. The gluttony.

Having seen many move through the murk in which I sit (and bask smh), or otherwise wading the general shit of the swamp, I know even scorpions can lose their tails. I been knew.

But knowing isn’t even, baby.

Is the last song playing yet? Is this the last blog?

That I do not know. What I do know is that even forests burned to the ground have the potential to yield greater fruits.

And there it is; the one them of this vanity. Self consolation.

Of Dreams and Delusions

Today is a heavy one. It’s home time and I am at my desk ambivalent. My ting says she wants to talk after this. A friends shinding tonight to celebrate with people who aren’t there, or else aren’t there for long. What kind life be this?

I’ve come a long way. With the substances especially. But to speak of the aims of this, I know not how to measure the gains. It is that age-old with yourself, about yourself and outside yourself deliberation all over again. Wow, a reference within a reference. I’m astounded.

Do squirrels and other earth drillers truly want to need the light, anyway? If it is warm in a known cave then why against all good comfort would you leave that embrace?

It’s mad. Maybe life has become work, work has become life and somewhere in that transition I could begin to get lost without ever noticing that for who you were you are now an imitation. But are shadows not extensions? Are shells not important? Maybe when their contents are lost to the niceities of security. That rhymed. High Score.

Who knows? Maybe we’ll talk tomorrow.