The Previous Title Would Not Be Cute Here

What the fuck? I’m really getting tired of this stop and start cycle bruh. Like literally one step forward and a shit load back. Two forward another back.

Another blog post. Another month not blogging. smh

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Twelve Whole Days

Since I last posted. A whole 32 since I last blogged properly.

The aiming, which is on going, was to read the blogs and reflect before going forward. Which didn’t happen at the time.

Anyway, I had a couple of interesting conversations with a few friends old and new, a refreshing telephone call and a couple of revelations related to the workplace, and where I see myself.

Of course it is quite a difficult process, all of this. Most days I want to give up and lay in. Not because it is difficult or because I can’t, but because I don’t want to on those days.

Then the questions springs up; why am I doing this? At all? Why don’t I just go home and sleep, take it easy and go to classes? Is it that necessary to have experience? Is it that worth it to spend all this time at a desk? And only to live for weekends? Do other people also find it difficult? Or is it because I haven’t formulated my grand plan as yet?

The other thing that happened some Twelve and Thirty days ago was this whole friendship thing. Are friends really necessary? Or am I only into them because I have become lonely? And if I have truly become lonely, when on this green earth am I going back home to myself? And how am I taking myself there? When will I get there if I am always here, at this desk, typing my life away at things which don’t matter to me?

Then a light says “hey buddy, life will pay you the wages you ask of it”.

So back to it. My quiet, resilient self. The journey was worth it and yet that does not mean the destination should be foregone.

Eish.

Factors, or Things Which Should Matter and Things Which Shouldn’t

I got into a chill last night. Recklessly, roughly, suddenly. I mean, it was truly fast and just crazily done. But that isn’t my main issue.

I met two people who were deliberate in their unpleasantness, which I shan’t attempt to give justification.  I sought to be friendly, to say hi and talk to people but somehow that back fired on me completely.How? Well because I was already stepping out of my frame by trying to be nice, and talking to those people. This was worsened by a full knowledge that they have scant regard for me and that their intentions are not pure towards me, or any other person generally from my experience.

The other is that I was unreasonably cornered on an opinion. Even if my viewpoint was wrong, I was extremely uncomfortable to have put myself, and allowed myself to be put, into such an uncomfortable situation. Because I could not justify myself. Because I had to try to justify myself. Among alleged friends.

Aikona! So now, I woke up in the morning in a very funky vibe having to think about this bullshit as part of my life. Imagine!

Well while I am at it, let it not be forgotten that I am not in this game to beg for friendships anymore!

Day 50 – More on Managing Perception

I didn’t write yesterday. It’s not that I didn’t have time, cause I did. I was simply preoccupied with other things, like watching and reading up all those bookmarks I had postponed, some TLC and some doing-nothing-of-note-and-enjoying-it.

I would have enjoyed reflecting on the day, though, because it was quite a day. I had a good time at work, after work and when I got home.

But now I write for today, and the excerpt I did two nights ago on perception.

It’s true I have shifted from not caring actively about the opinions others to almost adopting it as instinct. What happened?

Well, first things first was the active decision to become more social which, by extension, meant having to be more likable. To do this I had to start giving a fuck about what they think of me and how they see me. Which itself led to an anxiety way different from the one I had before. In lower school I someone who had extreme experiences of people in that some were genuinely friendly, even bordering on kind, while others were mean to me. The friendly ones I socialized with from an aloof standpoint and the others I willfully ignored, with my only thoughts of them being in preparation of retorts for their malice.

In short, that anxiety was one based on the distrust of people liking me, and the expectation that no one would have my best interests at heart. It led to me as a quiet person becoming even more quiet, and saying very few words, because I understood then the power of silence especially in adding value to speech. Through the end of lower school and moving into early high school that’s always what it was. Even the first few of University were all minimal interaction and commitments to anything or anyone other than me. It worked like a charm. 

It still shall. Yet this new anxiety, and I use the word overall in the general not clinical sens, demands that I shift and slide, and twist and contort myself into shapes which fit the puzzles of others. Which is exactly the issue I am dealing with; the back and forth tide between the two.

It has lead to even a loss of the control I so fully had over when to laugh and when it keep a straight face. When to let natural emotion, proving innocence, play out and when to invent feelings.

I speak of this today particularly because the puppy had a hectic day at the office. I swear, it was incredibly difficult to maintain my cool composure after an incident which indicated that my fidelity may have been put under scrutiny because of the events of the day. I can feel distrust brewing and I know well, very well that for it to blossom there must be some participation from my self which is the creature fear seeing as my emotion check is only now building up again, and what not.

Still learned more than that today however. The major key is to not allow anyone to belittle you, or make you feel your indebtedness to them means that you must become a lessor in any such relationship. You must resist and refuse that. No way.

Respect me, and I shall respect you too, as I respect myself.

Managing Perception

It is obvious that our actions dictate how others view us, and that those views are important or become important as far as those others mean something to us.

It is obvious that when the shell opens for the moon it knows good and well the risk of being trapped open.

It is obvious that I want to be an open book.

Why is not that obvious right now. Why why why I asked myselves.

Day 48 – Choosing What Is Important

I haven’t written. It would be easy to say there hasn’t been anything to write but that was never the point. Or at least not the whole point.

The aim here is to reflect, review and transform myself. So how lazy is it to essential say no to the project of self reflection and transformation?

I see better now, more practically, that when you don’t prioritize actively, over and over again, this thing called life shall over take you such that you are not living it but that it is living you. Which is the one thing I have never wanted.

And so I start to cut the strings again one by one, slowly and surely until I am completely back in my own forest.

How could I ever give up? I couldn’t and that’s why I am here.