Look here, there is no more time to make time. You’ve been very blessed and lucky but chim-chimeny because your luck is running out. You are big now. You know what you are. You’ve always been big. You know who you are. 

All which has happened, you have done to yourself. All that is to come, you shall do for yourself. Where, then, is your salvation? Who do you think shall ride up to your bed and rip from you those added things which you needed to grow? Those things that are no longer necessary and weigh heavy on you and everything you do, who is going to take them from you? Oh, my dear boy, did you think I was coming to save you?

Look here, you are the one that did all this. Yes ofcourse you had help along the way but this is mostly all you. No one is coming to fix you. No one is coming to save you. You won’t be fascinating in this way forever.

For the sake of all the fucks save yourself, beloved.

And right there at the peak of the dawn, he saw love in the valley of a mountain he had greedily scale, with a ferocious aggression to reach the peak.

Sweat had by then begun to run down the sides of his cheeks for the sake of his having stood staring at the oasis below for so long. How long had it been? How long could it be still? Were his feet aching and begging for tenderness because he reached the top or because he was standing there? With who’s eyes was he staring at the valley? Who?


Walking and Talking at the Same Time

I realize now, or decide rather that one can walk and talk at the same time, and therefore can record and reflect in an on going process. There is no need for the pool to become stagnant for one to gaze into it.

Anyway, friend, I have found a new friend. Or perhaps not so much found as made them from knowing them before. Also, I am extremely sleepy at work now but at least not hungover.

Twelve Whole Days

Since I last posted. A whole 32 since I last blogged properly.

The aiming, which is on going, was to read the blogs and reflect before going forward. Which didn’t happen at the time.

Anyway, I had a couple of interesting conversations with a few friends old and new, a refreshing telephone call and a couple of revelations related to the workplace, and where I see myself.

Of course it is quite a difficult process, all of this. Most days I want to give up and lay in. Not because it is difficult or because I can’t, but because I don’t want to on those days.

Then the questions springs up; why am I doing this? At all? Why don’t I just go home and sleep, take it easy and go to classes? Is it that necessary to have experience? Is it that worth it to spend all this time at a desk? And only to live for weekends? Do other people also find it difficult? Or is it because I haven’t formulated my grand plan as yet?

The other thing that happened some Twelve and Thirty days ago was this whole friendship thing. Are friends really necessary? Or am I only into them because I have become lonely? And if I have truly become lonely, when on this green earth am I going back home to myself? And how am I taking myself there? When will I get there if I am always here, at this desk, typing my life away at things which don’t matter to me?

Then a light says “hey buddy, life will pay you the wages you ask of it”.

So back to it. My quiet, resilient self. The journey was worth it and yet that does not mean the destination should be foregone.


Factors, or Things Which Should Matter and Things Which Shouldn’t

I got into a chill last night. Recklessly, roughly, suddenly. I mean, it was truly fast and just crazily done. But that isn’t my main issue.

I met two people who were deliberate in their unpleasantness, which I shan’t attempt to give justification.  I sought to be friendly, to say hi and talk to people but somehow that back fired on me completely.How? Well because I was already stepping out of my frame by trying to be nice, and talking to those people. This was worsened by a full knowledge that they have scant regard for me and that their intentions are not pure towards me, or any other person generally from my experience.

The other is that I was unreasonably cornered on an opinion. Even if my viewpoint was wrong, I was extremely uncomfortable to have put myself, and allowed myself to be put, into such an uncomfortable situation. Because I could not justify myself. Because I had to try to justify myself. Among alleged friends.

Aikona! So now, I woke up in the morning in a very funky vibe having to think about this bullshit as part of my life. Imagine!

Well while I am at it, let it not be forgotten that I am not in this game to beg for friendships anymore!

Day 50 – More on Managing Perception

I didn’t write yesterday. It’s not that I didn’t have time, cause I did. I was simply preoccupied with other things, like watching and reading up all those bookmarks I had postponed, some TLC and some doing-nothing-of-note-and-enjoying-it.

I would have enjoyed reflecting on the day, though, because it was quite a day. I had a good time at work, after work and when I got home.

But now I write for today, and the excerpt I did two nights ago on perception.

It’s true I have shifted from not caring actively about the opinions others to almost adopting it as instinct. What happened?

Well, first things first was the active decision to become more social which, by extension, meant having to be more likable. To do this I had to start giving a fuck about what they think of me and how they see me. Which itself led to an anxiety way different from the one I had before. In lower school I someone who had extreme experiences of people in that some were genuinely friendly, even bordering on kind, while others were mean to me. The friendly ones I socialized with from an aloof standpoint and the others I willfully ignored, with my only thoughts of them being in preparation of retorts for their malice.

In short, that anxiety was one based on the distrust of people liking me, and the expectation that no one would have my best interests at heart. It led to me as a quiet person becoming even more quiet, and saying very few words, because I understood then the power of silence especially in adding value to speech. Through the end of lower school and moving into early high school that’s always what it was. Even the first few of University were all minimal interaction and commitments to anything or anyone other than me. It worked like a charm. 

It still shall. Yet this new anxiety, and I use the word overall in the general not clinical sens, demands that I shift and slide, and twist and contort myself into shapes which fit the puzzles of others. Which is exactly the issue I am dealing with; the back and forth tide between the two.

It has lead to even a loss of the control I so fully had over when to laugh and when it keep a straight face. When to let natural emotion, proving innocence, play out and when to invent feelings.

I speak of this today particularly because the puppy had a hectic day at the office. I swear, it was incredibly difficult to maintain my cool composure after an incident which indicated that my fidelity may have been put under scrutiny because of the events of the day. I can feel distrust brewing and I know well, very well that for it to blossom there must be some participation from my self which is the creature fear seeing as my emotion check is only now building up again, and what not.

Still learned more than that today however. The major key is to not allow anyone to belittle you, or make you feel your indebtedness to them means that you must become a lessor in any such relationship. You must resist and refuse that. No way.

Respect me, and I shall respect you too, as I respect myself.