Hope was her downfall.
I got into a chill last night. Recklessly, roughly, suddenly. I mean, it was truly fast and just crazily done. But that isn’t my main issue.
I met two people who were deliberate in their unpleasantness, which I shan’t attempt to give justification. I sought to be friendly, to say hi and talk to people but somehow that back fired on me completely.How? Well because I was already stepping out of my frame by trying to be nice, and talking to those people. This was worsened by a full knowledge that they have scant regard for me and that their intentions are not pure towards me, or any other person generally from my experience.
The other is that I was unreasonably cornered on an opinion. Even if my viewpoint was wrong, I was extremely uncomfortable to have put myself, and allowed myself to be put, into such an uncomfortable situation. Because I could not justify myself. Because I had to try to justify myself. Among alleged friends.
Aikona! So now, I woke up in the morning in a very funky vibe having to think about this bullshit as part of my life. Imagine!
Well while I am at it, let it not be forgotten that I am not in this game to beg for friendships anymore!
I didn’t write yesterday. It’s not that I didn’t have time, cause I did. I was simply preoccupied with other things, like watching and reading up all those bookmarks I had postponed, some TLC and some doing-nothing-of-note-and-enjoying-it.
I would have enjoyed reflecting on the day, though, because it was quite a day. I had a good time at work, after work and when I got home.
But now I write for today, and the excerpt I did two nights ago on perception.
It’s true I have shifted from not caring actively about the opinions others to almost adopting it as instinct. What happened?
Well, first things first was the active decision to become more social which, by extension, meant having to be more likable. To do this I had to start giving a fuck about what they think of me and how they see me. Which itself led to an anxiety way different from the one I had before. In lower school I someone who had extreme experiences of people in that some were genuinely friendly, even bordering on kind, while others were mean to me. The friendly ones I socialized with from an aloof standpoint and the others I willfully ignored, with my only thoughts of them being in preparation of retorts for their malice.
In short, that anxiety was one based on the distrust of people liking me, and the expectation that no one would have my best interests at heart. It led to me as a quiet person becoming even more quiet, and saying very few words, because I understood then the power of silence especially in adding value to speech. Through the end of lower school and moving into early high school that’s always what it was. Even the first few of University were all minimal interaction and commitments to anything or anyone other than me. It worked like a charm.
It still shall. Yet this new anxiety, and I use the word overall in the general not clinical sens, demands that I shift and slide, and twist and contort myself into shapes which fit the puzzles of others. Which is exactly the issue I am dealing with; the back and forth tide between the two.
It has lead to even a loss of the control I so fully had over when to laugh and when it keep a straight face. When to let natural emotion, proving innocence, play out and when to invent feelings.
I speak of this today particularly because the puppy had a hectic day at the office. I swear, it was incredibly difficult to maintain my cool composure after an incident which indicated that my fidelity may have been put under scrutiny because of the events of the day. I can feel distrust brewing and I know well, very well that for it to blossom there must be some participation from my self which is the creature fear seeing as my emotion check is only now building up again, and what not.
Still learned more than that today however. The major key is to not allow anyone to belittle you, or make you feel your indebtedness to them means that you must become a lessor in any such relationship. You must resist and refuse that. No way.
Respect me, and I shall respect you too, as I respect myself.
It is obvious that our actions dictate how others view us, and that those views are important or become important as far as those others mean something to us.
It is obvious that when the shell opens for the moon it knows good and well the risk of being trapped open.
It is obvious that I want to be an open book.
Why is not that obvious right now. Why why why I asked myselves.
I haven’t written. It would be easy to say there hasn’t been anything to write but that was never the point. Or at least not the whole point.
The aim here is to reflect, review and transform myself. So how lazy is it to essential say no to the project of self reflection and transformation?
I see better now, more practically, that when you don’t prioritize actively, over and over again, this thing called life shall over take you such that you are not living it but that it is living you. Which is the one thing I have never wanted.
And so I start to cut the strings again one by one, slowly and surely until I am completely back in my own forest.
How could I ever give up? I couldn’t and that’s why I am here.
Is it me or are the days between no posts getting fewer? Or yet still is the weekend the cause of all this absenteeism? Who knows.
The first thing first is that I actually realized something today. Recently I’ve been writing for the sake of the promise, which was also part of the calculation of the journey but today I saw something which I particularly want to talk about.
I have never been a person who can simply be invited to a thing spontaneously. You must plan and arrange things properly, or risk my absence. And when I am present I create value such that the entire situation is elevated by that. Facts.
Then why did I find myself today in a total unanticipated situation? To my mind it was going to be an open, one on one interaction which would bear the necessary to water the plant that is this relationship. And yet that wasn’t factored in. In the end I left feeling as though I had been competing for attention the entire time.
It’s a no from me. I refuse. Especially to become that person who is so conscious of the potential absence of attention that I begin to demand and demand it like a toddler. I do not demand.
And so it must become again with all my interactions. And so it shall.
I would rather ask for forgiveness rather than for permission. Even when I am getting my bearings, wherever, I am still I.
It was a crazy day. Lots of running around, with jolts of excitement and sorrow or sadness to go with it. Over all I was happy that I can still at least make them proud hey. I suppose that’s something enough.
What I noticed is that sometimes things happen with no meaning, or in some sense a meaning which is not apparent to you. So there’s that. But yeah it’s like they said; sadness comes in waves. Washing over the spirit and taking the mind to depths unknown.
There was a party we went to, or rather t