Is it me or are the days between no posts getting fewer? Or yet still is the weekend the cause of all this absenteeism? Who knows.
The first thing first is that I actually realized something today. Recently I’ve been writing for the sake of the promise, which was also part of the calculation of the journey but today I saw something which I particularly want to talk about.
I have never been a person who can simply be invited to a thing spontaneously. You must plan and arrange things properly, or risk my absence. And when I am present I create value such that the entire situation is elevated by that. Facts.
Then why did I find myself today in a total unanticipated situation? To my mind it was going to be an open, one on one interaction which would bear the necessary to water the plant that is this relationship. And yet that wasn’t factored in. In the end I left feeling as though I had been competing for attention the entire time.
It’s a no from me. I refuse. Especially to become that person who is so conscious of the potential absence of attention that I begin to demand and demand it like a toddler. I do not demand.
And so it must become again with all my interactions. And so it shall.
I would rather ask for forgiveness rather than for permission. Even when I am getting my bearings, wherever, I am still I.
It was a crazy day. Lots of running around, with jolts of excitement and sorrow or sadness to go with it. Over all I was happy that I can still at least make them proud hey. I suppose that’s something enough.
What I noticed is that sometimes things happen with no meaning, or in some sense a meaning which is not apparent to you. So there’s that. But yeah it’s like they said; sadness comes in waves. Washing over the spirit and taking the mind to depths unknown.
There was a party we went to, or rather t
As a part of the reinvention, and doing away with idleness, I have without a gun to my head volunteered to begin work a whole 20 days earlier than I was scheduled to. A whole 20 days. So now I am in an office where there is no work for me as yet. Simply existing, pleading to be included in whatever work it is being done.
And I was late this morning, smh. Like on your first day after begging for a job that I begged for. Plus really poor planning on my part because 1) I only ironed my shirt last night and not the pants. That’s a whole almost ten minutes gone, 2) I ignored the clock that read 6 a.m knowing full and well… 3) I didn’t eat breakfast. I am 6 hours in and have been hungry this entire time. Pretty sure it shows on my face. Convinced.
A hungry puppy.
They noticed the above and just gave me a task. Lol. Here we go.
P.S The task was not so much difficult as it was demanding of time and labour. Completed within an unreasonable timeframe. Lol.
Value is self assigned. Our own determination of what we are worth is then read and picked up by the world. Simple.
We control our realities. So why the fuck was popped on a Sunday night? Came late and shit, when I should’ve done better. Even Saturday, I didn’t write when I said I would, or even read like I ought to have. Anyway.
I am excited for the rest of the week.
There is an exhilarating rush of madness that catches me when the prospect of going out, and being around people comes up. Today, I was on the Twitters posting my TGIF declaration and checking out others’ ones too, and this wave of inexplicable joy washed over me.
I also went to lurk on a few pages which had fire club content and pictures. That certainly didn’t help. The question in my head, instinctively by now, was “can I get ready before the gatekeepers get home?”. It was terrifying, to be quite fucking honest, when I realized the only thing holding back the impulse was external.
I actually like people now. Talking to them, listening (which I’ve always enjoyed btw), and watching them. I don’t often get the knee jerk no reaction to invites, and actually get anxious about declining for fear that I won’t be invited next time.
Basically, went from one extreme to the other. Go figure.
That’s it. This is about finding the middle and being able to calibrate myself when it isn’t instinctive.
Since 31 is the monthiest of month calculation, I shall read back tomorrow.
I know myself to be a person who give no thought at all to the opinions of others. Or else I care very minimally. It is one of the things I like most about myself.
Today it came up in conversation that one should be conscious of how they are perceived by others, within the self definition-world interaction space continuum. I suppose there is merit to thinking about what others think.
I simply don’t like it because for me it proves a danger which can take over everything. Especially because I become obsessive. Take the past few years, for example. Has it not been the ultra quest to be found likable, intelligent, intellectual, charming, great to look at and funny by others which has led to a major compromise of my core values?
Think too much about what you look like, or how you are perceived i.e what will people say, can lead to a crippling second guessing of the self. Let me say here that such is the incubus of doubt. You’ll find yourself in editing bays working on one simple photo for hours on end but not for excellence, oh no. Instead you’ll do it in chase of which aesthetic you think people will like more instead of which one is most pleasing to you.
That’s the hallmark of all the greats. To be able to see something no one can, to trust your instinct, and then to show others the light dancing on your face.
Reflecting on a presentation I gave earlier this week I thought “our idea is not corporeal yet, it isn’t tangible to outsiders. We are the only ones who believe in it, meaning that when we relay it we must do so with complete conviction and charisma. That’s all we have, our conviction and charm.”
P.S. People are not entitled to my time, my energy, my answered calls, my returned emails. There is also nothing enlightened about making myself small, or in better words trying to fit in, to make other people comfortable.
Like, maybe, you’re making yourself, like, too available. Lol no need to commit to last minute plans.
It’s a sinking feeling to be invited to a ting and then uninvited, innit? Perhaps it’s part of thing on-going problem of being part of this generation where we measure ourselves against meaningless, pretentious and shallow social interaction.
And there it is; how do we value and evaluate the people we have in our lives? How do they value me? I am not say that it should be 50-50% type of thing at all time but it is very important to one’s self image and the preservation of dignity that you know how to act accordingly, especially when everything else has been rebuffed.
Also, that above paragraph was written the morning after “28” so it has been particularly inspired by one of the very meaningless social interaction I was on about.
I am truly tired of having to force friendship, and to test what is and what isn’t. I owe myself and my experience the benefit of the doubt and as such I shall give it another go after which I am done. Seeing as I have already issued my warnings, I shall sit back until the ball is back in my court.